A Story of Pain Magic

I want to tell you a story... It's just a story. It is not my identity.

I have hesitated sharing this story because I don't like being boxed into an identity and stuck there. I left a marriage and a solid career because I could see I wasn't allowed to grow outside that box. No matter what I did, I was still seen as I was, not as I am or what my possibilities were. So I stripped my life of all my comforts and jumped off the safe ledge.

And flew.

This is only one part of this story, remember that. It's not all there is, but a part that is important to understand.

I have (had)  trigeminal neuralgia.

The short version of this is the nerve that runs on the side of the face near the joint, or meeting point of the upper and lower mandible, short circuits. It can cause constant pain or intermittent pain. It feels like being shocked with a cattle prod in the jaw, all your teeth hurt more than any tooth pain you've experienced, and punched, all at the same time. Sometimes you will vomit, pass out or lose your mind. What you thought was your mind. 

Deep pain has a way of pushing you closer to your true self, and burning of unnecessary parts of your personality. Personality is like clothing - adoptable and malleable. 

This experience is called a "suicide disease". More people commit suicide after 3 years of this issue than any other health issue, or so they say. 

This is not me. I have had this issue on and off since I was 25. It has increasingly grown worse. The professionals do not understand this nerve or the signs. Many say it's in your head and keep drilling, continue to damage nerves. 

Humans can do this to emotions as well, but that's diving to the bottom. Let's stay were we can breath, a bit. 

Now, you know what my personal burden is, I understand you have yours too. We all have our burdens. 

I am not on disability, nor do I take money from our govt. I also do not talk about this issue. I do not have health insurance and I still manage this issue. I am intelligent and have access to many resources.

I have told three people. Now, I can no longer claim this...

I realized after this last bought of pain that a certain hyper-focus of pain makes you see the world differently.

I see details. I focus on the details... of everything. I bring focus to details, philosophical, soap details, behavior details, details of honor and photography details... I haven't seen this in my world before, until this last episode of pain. I haven't seen exactly how deeply I can look. 

I do not want others to feel my pain. I have more compassion than that. I want you to understand that I know we all have our personal burdens. I choose to deal with mine with as much dignity as I can muster. To not blame others or push it toward you. I hold it. I feel because I don't quit; I don't quit my life because of the pain, (any kind of pain), that I have seen things that were there, but obstructed by the comfort of being pain free. There is a cotton-like substance surround me when I am pain free. I'm not forced to look.  Those hidden aspects haven't been revealed. 

I had to force myself to look. I created a situation where I finally gave in because the distractions were removed. There was nothing else but pain. So I looked at it.

Behind that door, that had been hidden by the cotton batting of pain-less-ness, I found wonders, strength and insight.  

I hope that you use your pain as a tool, because we all have pain. I hope you see behind that invisible door, and you use your pain to your advantage and come to a greater understanding, a higher mind. 


1 comment

  • I so related to this post. I have psoriatic arthritis and am in constant, varying degrees of pain. Making soap is very therapeutic. When I am intensely focused on something else, I can push the pain back into an area in my psyche and not give it my attention.

    Mary Armstrong

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