Too Much Truth
Sometimes too much truth is not the way. This seems contrary to what I've learned.
I'm not an advocate for deceit, there is a long way between these opposites, perfect truth and deceit. So how do I navigate?
This morning I got into an argument with my guy. It wasn't a big argument, as we've long worked out the big deals, but it was enough to throw me off my peaceful vibe I had prepared for my mid-day hike.
On my hike, instead of working out my next soap or pushing myself and my lazy-ass dog to climb a large pile of rocks, I was considering all the ways my argument happened. I blamed him. I blamed myself. I thought about apologizing and wonder why I would. Didn't I say my truth?
Let me just say, no one what's the brutal truth. It hurts. Some hurts are unavoidable. Some people don't want any truth. I don't always want it. I have to be ready for it. For example, after an indulgent weekend I have to get ready to step on the scale. I've had some people tell me the truth about myself, and when unprepared it just hurts. Still true, but hurts. It's not as if I didn't know I could work out more, not be so precise, weight a bit less... It's my belief we all know the deepest truth about ourselves. We do a lot to cover it up.
My guy is brave. My guy has faced my truth every day for many years. My guy has a big heart. My guy wants truth, even when it's unrefined and clumsy. I can do better.
I don't want to be that person who's whole life is spent striving to cover things up, each action being based on a negative, on hiding what the world already sees. I also don't want to walk around naked, either emotionally or physically.
I see people wanting everyone to know who they are and what they do in private. That's WAY too much truth for me. I'm cool with keeping somethings to yourself. I'm cool with having public face and private face. If I want full truth why do I wear make-up? The truth of me is what I look like when I wake up. The truth of me is when I haven't showered for a day. The truth of me is when I'm flat on my back with a cold. The truth of me is all these things and more, but that's not everyone's business. It's not even my partner's business every flipping second of the day. The truth of me is not always pretty. And, sometimes, it is.
Now, some think these truths are important to take photos of and share. To share what they do in private. I don't agree. I also don't agree with lying. How do we navigate these truth waters?
I don't have answers for everyone. I'm working it out for myself. This is a private path each person has to walk, alone. I can speak about how I handle these choppy, turbulent and some times glass-smooth waters. This is my way of NOT touching it with a needle, but comforting myself in a storm of socially choppy waters.
I want to be that person who has a refined way of speaking truth. I want to walk gently on this earth, with a level of sophistication I can't, at this time, comprehend. I will strive for this goal, even when it means I fall full on my face. I get up and keep moving forward.
When I first began making soap if someone had told me the truth about my soaps I might have quit. It was generous that some soap makers offered support. I could see each of my soaps needed work. And, I applied myself over and over.
I am doing that in my relationships, in my work and in my life. There is a long way between full on decipt and full on truth. This path takes practice to navigate. Just like soap making. If I watch diligently and apply myself, I can keep moving forward with honor, grace and dignity. Even when I fall down. Because, make no mistake, I will fall down again. Falling down is a sign I was on the path.