I’ve been wondering what is important in this life.
In this wondering I realized the one thing I have avoided my entire life was control. In that avoidance of control I have not allowed any one thing to be so important it has controlled me. Some have tried to control my honor with money; some have tried to control my creativity with power and money; some have tried to control my expression with influence and promises.
All this I have avoided. Because I have avoided this control I have been homeless, penniless, and friendless. I have never been alone. Not just because of my trusty sidekick Truman (he’s only been with me for a few years) but because I have had my internal guidance – mostly.
Having an internal guidance wasn’t always the case. I realized I did not have an internal guidance when I was 17. On my own for the first time and I realized my internal voice sounded like my mater’s. My inner voice was absent. I didn’t have a thought that wasn’t tinged with her venom, her harsh criticism or her out-right hatred for me. I had no idea what was right or wrong for me.
When I began this life, thrown into it without the simple knowledge of how to open a checking account, I had $300 and one change of clothes which was my work uniform. More than the lack of material goods and lack of home I did not have an honor code. There was no bottom line for me. My judgment had not grown.
I had only known what actions and words would cause violence and or shouting.
There is much to consider from then till now, but without writing the book, I will summarize… I have never allowed myself to be so controlled since. I didn’t realize this was the under current of my actions and choices until today when I asked, “what controls me?” Why didn’t the money make me stay? Why didn’t those words make me choose differently? Why didn’t that threat make me cower?
I have tested the waters, learned what my conscious has to say, found my bottom line by testing where I begin and end and come away knowing more about what I am attracted to and what repels me.
I have since maintained an inner dialogue about my surroundings that is true for me, even when the rest of the world did not see things the same way. I have stood up against the group of “friends” when they shunned me and stood up against society when “their way” wasn’t my way. I have told my truth to others who did not want to hear it and the cleave was so vast the friendship broke apart.
I can say I have not allowed myself to be controlled from that first lesson. I did not see this undercurrent of desire for freedom until today.
Today, with my little soapery, amazing co-conspirators in the art of soap molding – Soap Witches and Soap Sisters – I have created a world I can live in with honor and independence. I now have an inner dialogue so clear and true that when expressed is seen with as much delight as created it.